My intent for this blog was to post stories of my life living abroad, but right now I feel very compelled to express my current state of mind. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not sure what I want to do anymore. I’ve been following a career path - teaching EFL - that thankfully gives me a wide range of flexibility. If I want to pick up and leave, I can. And when I left the states in January 2009, I was happy with the prospect of living abroad and “finding myself.” How typical, right? But I genuinely believed that I’d actually discover me, the real me; maybe not fully because self-discovery is a continuous process. And don’t get me wrong, I have. I’ve become stronger, more independent, yet more compassionate, selfless, empathetic, and caring. I’ve learned things about me that I never would have had I stayed in the states. I’ve gone through the highest highs - where I couldn’t have been happier, I would have exploded with happiness - and the lowest lows - where I’ve had to pick up the pieces of my broken self and go through the painful process of reconstruction. With all this, I’ve become a better person and gotten to understand me better. But I know I’m not done yet.
So what is this all about? I’ve hit a point where I’m lost. What am I doing? What direction is my life going in? Am I doing the right thing for me? For my future? What is my future? What should it be? What about the people in my life, the ones I’ve had to leave behind and the ones who have left me behind? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and I’m not sure which way to go - or even how to go. I’m just floating along on this endless ocean with no horizon in sight - lost and at a loss for what to do. Sometimes in trying to find yourself, you first have to lose yourself. So I guess I just need to let myself be a little more lost until a horizon (or the horizon) presents itself.
